There are lots of different ways to think about how people develop their own queer identity. The stages we’ve got here on this page are based on generalisations, of course – in other words, this might not look exactly like anything you’re going through, but hopefully it’s helpful!
IDENTITY CONFUSION - “what the heck is going on with me?”
"Could I be queer?" … so you’ve grown up being told everyone’s straight except those weirdos who go on parade once a year. Up until now you’ve always assumed you’re straight too. Everyone expects you are. All of a sudden you’ve begin checking out people of your own gender. You begin to question these ideas and realise you yourself might actually be queer. It kind of freaks you out because, man, there is no way you want to be different.
What this could mean for you if you’re the one wondering if you’re queer
You might not want to admit it, and go around openly denying what you’re starting to feel. This might be because you’re scared to admit it to yourself, or just because you’re scared of admitting it to anyone else. Since your sexual identity feels like such an important thing to question, you might even end up questioning bigger things about yourself and just wondering who on earth you really are. You might feel really isolated and full of self-doubt. Once you start to accept these new feelings, you secretly seek out new information (like this website, perhaps?). But if you still feel like you really don’t want to be queer, you may start to develop low self-esteem or homophobia.
IDENTITY COMPARISON (“what’s happening with other people’s love lives?”)
As you start getting used to your queer sexual/gender identity, you realise the difference between yourself and heterosexual others. You may feel isolated or that you really don’t fit in with your family/whanau, friends or anyone else. You may feel lost and alone as all the expectations about the future that went with a heterosexual identity are in doubt. Alternatives to heterosexuality may seem confusing or frightening.
What this means for you
As well as asking "Who am I"?, you might now also be asking "Where do I belong"? If it feels like everyone around you is homophobic or just not all that queer-friendly, being queer may seem like a really terrible thing for you. Most young people will be terrified about how their friends and family will react. You may try to contact other queer youth to stop feeling so lonely and isolated. It's okay - you will find friends and like minded people. There are heaps of us out and about in the world living happy productive lives. It’s not all bad! But at first it can be stressful.
IDENTITY TOLERANCE - “I guess its okay that I am different”
You’ll start to tolerate the fact that you’re queer. Yay! As a result, you won’t feel as sad and confused, Instead you can just get on with letting yourself be yourself.
There may still be a difference between how you see yourself and how others see you. This might mean you feel more isolated. You might make contact with other queer youth, or think about telling your friends and your family that you’re queer.
What this means for you
Telling others can be a pretty big risk. Lots of queer people live in fear for ages before 'coming out', scared of being ‘found out’ and rejected. If things go well when you tell others, your personal suffering will decrease and your self-esteem will increase. Negative reactions, however, might lower your self-esteem and can lead to self-hatred. Telling others is usually done one person at a time. This is less risky and easier to cope with. Building up positive reactions clears away confusion and can allow the development of important social skills.
IDENTITY ACCEPTANCE - “I am who I am” –singing proud.
Acceptance rather than mere tolerance for being queer. Increased contact with queer people allows for the development of friendships, continued social development and the meeting of partners.
What this means for you
Beginning to 'come out'. Extent of coming out will be heavily influenced by:
- Encounters with heterosexual people who are positive towards queer people
- Encounters with queer people who are out, well adjusted and offer good role models
- Encounters with positive information on all aspects of being queer (view/scan as many coming out stories, websites, videos as possible)
There is a need to develop a network of queer contacts for mutual encouragement and support, role models for coming out, and social opportunities.
IDENTITY PRIDE - “being who you are, loving who you are”
As the queer individual attempts to live more openly and honestly, they may become more aware of society's expectations to either be heterosexual or to hide their orientation. There may be anger about the widespread homophobia and discrimination in society. The person is proud to be queer and no longer hides their identity.
What this means for you
The person may feel angry about time spent hiding and living in isolation and fear. There may be a tendency to divide the world into "queer" (good) and "straight" (bad). Negative encounters with heterosexual people will confirm this belief. Positive encounters will neutralise it.
IDENTITY SYNTHESIS – “being queer is one aspect of my life, there are many others” the walls come down and the person develops a positive sense of self. There is integration of queer sexual/gender identity into every sphere of life. Open contact with heterosexual people who accept the individual's orientation allows increased connectedness with society. Full integration into society can still be challenging when there are social responses to queerness that are discriminatory, hurtful and stigmatising.
What this means for you
At this stage, getting on with life is the task at hand. Being queer is no longer an issue. Acceptance that there are times when disclosure of orientation is appropriate and also the reverse. The individual chooses whether to enter into difficult situations with ignorant people. Other people's acceptance has become less, or not at all, important.
This guideline was adapted from Appendix Five – Coming Out from the NZAF resource Finding Out
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