Stages of Understanding
1. Shock
An initial state of shock can be anticipated if you suspect that your parents have no idea what you're about to share. It may last anywhere from ten minutes to a week; usually it wears off in a few days. Shock is a natural reaction that we all experience (and need for a while) to avoid acute distress and unpleasantness.
2. Denial
Denial helps to shield a person from a threatening or painful message. It is different from shock because it indicates the person has heard the message and is attempting to build a defence mechanism to ward it off. Denial responses take many forms: hostility ("No son of mine is going to be queer."), non-registering ("That's nice, dear, what do you want for dinner?"), non-caring ("If you choose that lifestyle, I don't want to hear about it."), or rejection ("It's just a phase; you'll get over it.").
3. Guilt
Most people who deal with homosexuality initially perceive it as a "problem" and ask: "What causes it?" They think if they can locate a cause, then a cure is not far behind.
4. Feelings Expressed
When it's clear that guilt and self-incrimination are unproductive, parents are ready to ask questions, listen to answers and acknowledge their feelings.
5. Personal Decision-Making
As the emotional trauma subsides, parents will increasingly deal more rationally with the issue.
Both parents may not necessarily choose to take the same path. A number of factors will influence which path is chosen.
a. Most parents continue to love their child in a way that allows them to say, "I love you," to accept the reality of the child's sexual orientation and to be supportive. In fact, now that the relationship between parents and child is on a level of mutual honesty and trust, most parents say their relationship is better than it ever was.
b. Sometimes parents respond by making it clear it's an issue that no longer requires discussion. Although they can discuss the matter, they are quite fragile in dealing with it. They have progressed this far and wish to go no further.
c. Generally speaking, if one parent assumes this extreme position, the other parent may have difficulty choosing a role that is far from it. When relating to their children, parents are often outwardly supportive of each other - even if behind closed doors, they don't completely agree between themselves.
6. True Acceptance
Some parents get this far. Most may love their child without finally accepting the child's life. Many reach the point where they can also celebrate their child's uniqueness.
Parents at this stage face up to their own guilt, that they are part of a guilty society, a homophobic society. They begin to understand the problems they unknowingly created for their child. This coming to terms with themselves may lead them to view the oppression of all gays and lesbians in a new light. They begin to speak out against the oppression; they talk to friends about the issues involved as a means of educating others. They support gay friends of their son or daughter; they attend parent meetings to help other parents. In short, they become committed to a cause and find a way that is comfortable for them to make a positive contribution. Some do it boldly while others work at it quietly.
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